Spoiler Alert: Stop reading now if you don't want to know what happens at the end of FBoy Island, but if you don't care proceed...
So this past Sunday, my husband and I just finished the first season of FBoy Island on HBO, where three single women are challenged to choose between a Nice Guy or an FBoy to carry on a relationship. The catch is that if she chooses a Nice Guy, the couple gets to split prize winnings of $100,000. However, if she willingly chooses an FBoy, then the FBoy gets the money and decides if HE would like to split it with her and carry on the relationship or just take it and leave.
Throughout the show, one of the ladies, Sarah, found herself consistently torn between her attractions to FBoy Garrett and Nice Guy Josh. FBoy Garrett, from the beginning of the show, stated that he was only there for the money and had a plan in place to manipulate Sarah into thinking he was a Nice Guy. He was even suspected to have had a girlfriend just weeks prior to the show airing. All of which was continuously revealed to Sarah on multiple occasions by many people on the show, yet she kept giving him chance after chance to prove himself to be who he was pretending to be, a Nice Guy. She gave him so many chances that in the end, she chose him and HE chose to keep the money and terminate the relationship. She was obviously upset and disappointed but made a statement that I thought was fascinating, which was, "I don't regret my decision" because in her mind she was just following her heart.
On Sunday evening, while randomly scrolling on Instagram, I happened to see that Tobe and Fat Norwigwe (well-known Christian rap artists) were releasing a new single called "Undressing the Criticism.” There was a short clip of Fat saying that the song was in response to a lot of the criticism from fans about the way Tobe was treating her in their videos of them sharing their love story four years ago. (Parts1- 4 can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=forever+twisted+love+story). I perused the comments full of polarized opinions and I couldn't thoroughly gauge what the true issue was without actually watching the videos for myself. The most glaring comments were the number of women who said that "they too were in a similar relationship" or "that other people don't and won't understand their union because their perspective is being guided by their flesh and not their spirit," and it was implied that they were looking to Fat and Tobe for some semblance of hope. I went to YouTube and began playing the five-minute open dialogue between the two of them as he sat between her legs and she braided his hair. No more than two minutes in, I began to cringe at the sheer disrespect and arrogance he conveyed toward his fiance at the time/now-wife, as he boastfully mused upon his prior disinterest in her with laughter and amusement. Unfortunately, I saw very similar behaviors in Tobe as I saw in FBoy Garrett which was pretty disappointing because I quite admired the pair and their music.
As I watched the finale of FBoy Island and later the videos of Tobe and Fat, I was reminded of a past relationship I had in college. I was so smitten by this guy, who made it clear upfront (like Tobe did to Fat) that he was not ready for a relationship. After convincing him that I felt we would be good together and only fear was holding him back, he eventually conceded and decided to give us a chance. Throughout our many ups and downs, he consistently sought to change me, alter the way I dressed, nitpicked the way I spoke, treated me like an option, and would break up with me when he felt I wouldn't be able to live up to his ideal.
Reflecting on these examples, counseling men who have portrayed similar behaviors, and speaking with others who have had similar experiences, I have begun to see a common thread in this dysfunctional relationship dynamic:
First: The Need to Pass a Test
I realize that women in these situations are often seeking something in these men that they believe is missing in themselves. Deep down, they don't believe they are already good enough, so they are okay with having to prove that they are. This is shown when they continue to jump through hoops to qualify for the relationship and go out of their way to prove themselves. The men then create goalposts or qualifying behaviors that constantly change and are usually rooted in unrealistic measures that prove nothing at all in the grand scheme of their relationship.
FBoy Garrett continuously made Sarah jump through hoops to prove herself to him, even though he was there to win her love, deciding whether she would be able to "keep up" with him in bed or be adventurous enough for him. She naively accepted the challenge that she was, in fact, able to keep up. When she met the goal, he would then give her little "doggy treats" as I call them, in the form of approval that she met his requirements that she happily jumped up to receive. She did this all the way to the very end where she still inadvertently asked him to choose her by choosing him (because if you choose an FBoy they are given the power to choose you or just the money).
In the videos of Fat and Tobe's love story, Tobe told Fat from the jump that she did not meet his requirements, so she altered her strategy to be "the best friend he could ever have," supported him financially and encouraged him, until she finally wore him down. Then he came up with three other requirements for her to meet before he would consider her a viable option for him to choose. Tobe noted that Fat didn't look anything like what she does now because she shopped at Charlotte Russe in the past, and the most disgusting statement I had ever heard was when he didn't believe she would be healthy enough to carry his children because she had Sickle Cell.
As for myself, I endured tests throughout the entirety of my relationship. First, it was the test to see if I would be able to "keep up" with him sexually because he had a high sex drive and if it wasn't coming from me then it would be coming from someone else. Next, was how I would be able to financially contribute while also supporting his career as he traveled because he wanted his wife by his side while on tour but also wanted my income. The last was whether or not I would actually love him for the rest of our lives together considering I was so young and fresh out of college. There was nothing inherently wrong with the desires he had but they were ideals he made-up on his own that didn't have me in mind. Similar to the other ladies, these hoops were just a preliminary requirement to be considered a viable candidate, with no guarantee of a future together; they were established to weed out unqualified candidates from his other options.
If he chose me, we would not have been building together, I would simply just be fulfilling a role he had established for me like a Craig's List ad. The "love him forever" test was unrealistic because all I had ever shown him was unconditional love, yet he chose to continuously question it rather than trusting what I kept proving. I instead ended up rushing my bloom to keep up with him over the next couple of years. "One and Only" by Adele was literally my favorite song at that time because I relished the idea of proving myself because the truth was I didn't feel enough. I was still figuring out my personal style, I didn't yet fully know what my purpose was or post-graduate career plans and his career was shiny and already well-established. We were really just in two different places in life, which was fine, but there was no need to contort myself into his life out of angst to be with him.
When FBoy Garrett told Sarah that he wasn't sure she could keep up with him, she should have said "okay” and focused on her other suiter, Nice Guy Josh, who actually already liked her for who she was. When Tobe told Fat that she wasn't what he wanted at all, she should have said "okay" and moved on to focus on herself and her own pursuits. When my ex told me our lives were not aligned because I was not yet what he needed in a wife, I should have said "okay" and continued to do me. Unfortunately, sometimes the challenges that we accept feel good to us. The superficial means to prove worthiness is not only for the benefit of the one whose affection we are seeking but truly for the benefit of ourselves. It is a quick way to qualify out of self-effort and doesn't require faith to believe that God has already deemed you qualified. Having faith is obviously much more difficult to exercise than having someone you hold in high regard deem you worthy. It's almost like a cheaper version of self-worth. "All you gotta do are these three things and you're in!" vs. God, calling you from before you were even thought of in your mother's womb to be worthy and loved.
Second: Tolerating Disrespect
In each of these scenarios, mine included, there was a high tolerance for the disrespect that is either blatant or subtle via playful insults to amplify our flaws. There was a need to diminish us to further justify the hoops we were constantly jumping through.
Amongst many things FBoy Garrett mentioned to castmates behind Sarah's back, he said that she would need a boob job if they were going to be together (which he later tries to backtrack once confronted).
Tobe made insensitive digs, rushed, and over-talked Fat throughout most of their videos. He stated on multiple occasions "I do not like you like that, so stop staring at me!" as he continued to recap about her affection for him with laughter. He even referenced the fact that at the time, "she did not dress like she does now, she used to wear body con dresses with vests over them from Charlotte Russe." I later learned that he "affectionately" refers to her as "fat" which is not short for Fatima, but was apparently in reference to her weight and for some unknown reason she ran with it.
My ex would always find something to critique, whether it was the way I spoke, my hairstyles always changing, not wearing enough heels because I was short, or tight enough clothes to accentuate my frame. He would say, "you always wear those little run-over Keds, you should always wear heels because you are short and have great legs." Of course, at the time they seemed like little digs and playful insults, after all, there's nothing wrong with a little wardrobe elevation. However, they weren't my self-discoveries; I never asked what kind of shoes I should wear or how I should wear my hair. He imposed his preferences.
This kind of "subtle" yet continuous reduction often results in denying your own intuition, preferences, and desires because you place a higher value on their opinions. This further ingrains the need to prove yourself to them and that you are ultimately capable of being what they want.
Third: Ignoring What They Have Shown You
In each of these scenarios, there was a common theme of disbelieving what the men were telling or showing us with hopes that we could convince them otherwise. Truly, what we as women were desiring from these men outweighed what they were actually trying to communicate. This resulted in consistently doubting our intuitions about them, dismissing opportunities for healthy relationships and over-spiritualizing the idea that God had shown us something in them that they had not yet seen for themselves.
As it relates to Sarah, the writing was literally on the wall, (FBoy Garrett's actual Facebook wall). Even after someone had already informed her, it showed that he had a girlfriend he was in love with just weeks before the show started. He of course downplayed it as just a fling, but they were literally all over each other's social media feeds and she STILL believed him. He also flat out said that he was just there for the money and someone also told Sarah the same thing, yet she still believed that it was their undeniable, ten-week connection that could somehow usurp his initial motivations.
In Fat's case, despite all of Tobe's blatant disinterest in her by saying "I wanted a relationship, just not with YOU,” she still found a way to rationalize it in a conversation with a "mentor" who said, "but has he ever lied to you about what he feels?" Like that made it okay?! Fortunately, after she got tired of the chase, God reminded her of her own self-worth but she ultimately chooses Tobe in the end after he finally decides he wants her and has shown her an acceptable amount of "growth.” Growth, that was questionable simply by the way he is explaining their past in their videos, which felt very "if this is how he treats you on camera, how does he treat you behind closed doors?"
I, like Fat, also reached the same conclusion, "well he never lied to me, so that must mean he's a trustworthy individual worthy of my time." My ex told me from the get-go that he wasn't ready, however, his exhibition of blatant disregard for my feelings during our relationship was the proof and I needed to believe him. Just because he could come around in the future did not mean that his recklessness with my emotions would change.
Fourth: The Appearance Of Insight From a Higher Power
Now, this is the part that is especially triggering, and not just because of these scenarios, but the sheer number of people who drink the kool-aid and agree with it. In this example, it is not so much relating to Sarah's case but almost, in a sense.
In all of the cases I have observed about this dynamic, the most common I have seen and experienced is this insight from God that He is "showing me something about them that they haven’t yet seen." Yes, it is possible to see great potential in someone, but that does not mean immediately act on it. Nothing about that is God. God is not going to prepare and inform you about someone and not also prepare and inform them. Just because God shows you something doesn't mean acting or assuming what he meant by it. The sheer fact that you moved without confirmation is proof of a lack of readiness for what he has prepared. It means if you see something you like, ask God what does this actually mean for me and wait for further instruction, not determine "this is my husband" just because they are all you have ever been looking for.
I can't speak for Fat, although she mentioned that she saw Tobe and felt that way, but as for myself, I knew after our first date, I had determined my ex was everything I had ever wanted. I used that feeling to inform my decision to pursue a relationship with him and THEN asked God to bless our steps together, instead of being still and letting God reveal to me how I needed to navigate our relationship. We could have needed to be friends or not at all until he got it together, while I did my thing and he did his.
In Fat's case, she was Tobe's friend, but Tobe knew she was using that friendship as an ulterior motive to jump through hoops to win his affection over a period of time, and clearly, it worked until God opened her eyes to her own self-worth.
While all of us have grown so much since these experiences, in the end, Sarah chose her FBoy and he didn't choose her; Fat married Tobe and made a song to address the commentary; and I finally woke up, chose myself, and later married my best friend. There are still many that are in the thick of this situation, regularly doubting their intuitions and jumping through hoops just for the hope that those men will someday choose them. To you out there, I just want to remind you that no matter how high you have built that pedestal you have placed them on, you are already worthy to and for the right person for you!